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Its that time of year....

Posted by Chris Morgan on Friday, September 17, 2010
Its that time of year again when our homes and domiciles are invaded by spiders. 

They come in, seeking refuge from the cold and looking to justify their miserable little spidery existence by sneaking up on us and scaring the living shit out of us. 

This is a guide to my thoughts on how you can meet the arachnid menace. Call it the Eight Legged Arms Race.

When you have a spider intruder, you need:

Air Pistol. When you absolutely, positively, gotta explode that fucker in a shower of legs and hair in close in combat, accept no substitute. 

Sawn offs are out - people want a bit more range these days. 

If you have the range, bust out one of these -

Bipod or tripod and camouflage face paint optional. 

There may come a time when you are forced, either by enemy tactics or lack of ammunition, to face your enemy in close quarters physical combat. For this, you need two weapons. 

One - for longer range engagements and to break enemy charges - 
The Halbard is heavy and stout, useful against armoured horse, and large spiders. 

Two - for shorter range engagements and to deny the enemy the ability to make war on you by running away and coming back using a very sneaky element of surprise -

The halbard and cleaver combo, allied with your personal preference of short and long-range guns are known to be very effective in meeting the arachnid thread. 

Personally I never leave the house without the cleaver at the very least. My flat is set out in such a way as I am never more than one terrified leap from my trust halbard, and i keep my cleaver on me at all times. There is a rapid fire M60 machine gun set up in the window area, offering superior fields of fire and arcs across the flat at large. For sustained assaults, I have rigged up an overlapping field of claymore mines in the carpark and balcony area, and have two more rigged in the roof space, even though it, like my air conditioning, water, electricity and postal areas are fully hermetically sealed against all NBCAS threats (nuclear, chemical, biological and spider). In every room there is a glass cabinet mounted on the wall, with four cans of deoderant, two zippos (for full redundancy in case of failures), a set of throwing knives, a C4 breaching charge (for blowing holes in walls in the event of a cut off situation) a whole box of MkIV frag grenades, and a laser rangefinder/target illuminator in case I am able to call in a fast jet fire mission. 

I intend to install a fully automatic threat detection doppler radar in the flat when funds allow - similar in size and capability to the SPY1 Aegis system in use by the US Navy on their Ticonderoga and Arleigh Burke class guided missile cruisers and destroyers. This will, in time, be linked to a medical-grade cutting laser which i can set to auto track and destroy when I am out. It will be programmed to ignore the cats, but to immediately immolate and destroy any spider threats as they come onto the grid. Adopting a passive policy when dealing with spider infiltrators is myopic - once they are in, you are already beaten. The SpiderNet detection and threat analysis computers are designed to prevent infiltration, and have been proven to be able to detect even "stealth" spiders. 

We must be aware of future trends and remain vigilant. Vigilance is key. Many times have I found myself asking "where are my roving patrols?" - now i do not need to. 

Bert and Ernie, our two trusted ninjacats, have been fully trained to provide round the clock cover as my very own in house roving patrol. Their remit is simple - "You see him, you find you call it in. You dont get creative, you call for back up got it?". For the hours in the afternoons when they are unavailable due to sleep requirements, I am hoping that my Aegis detection grid will deputise. It is no substitute for eyes on the ground though. 

To deter any would-be infiltrators, I have conducted extensive leaflet dropping and psy-ops operations on Wandsworth Common and other nearby green spaces. It remains to be seen how successful this turns out to be.

Impressive though my flat's defences are, they are adequate only for the UK. Any move to America or Australia in future would need me to raise the stakes, and a purpose-built walled compound, complete with electric fence, minefield, 24 hr satellite coverage with orbital kinetic weapon barrage capability, laser defence posts, Hand of Nod, stealth generator and several artillery pieces, not to mention a garrison of missile troops and cyborg commandos are an absolute must. Fast egress fixed and rotary-winged aircraft faciltiies are also going to be required. The cost of this is one of the main reasons why a move to Australia does not make financial sense for us right now, although once i have finished paying off my loans, i should be able to fund it just fine. 

I am currently exploring the feasibility of a nuclear deterrent. The theory is that should a successful incursion into my immediate personal space occur, then I would have to ensure total annihilation and if that means sacrificing my own life to ensure the eight legged assassin's demise, then so be it. 


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